Tall Angry Monster

Thanks Bungie!

02/1/2008 11:30 AM

For a while now, I’ve honestly tried to understand all of the hype behind Halo 3. It doesn’t have the unique single player campaign of Bio Shock. Nor does it provide the adrenaline rush of Gears of War. It doesn’t have the intense action of Call of Duty 4. And it's strategy can't compare to Rainbow Six. With its bland graphics, unoriginal weapons, pathetic single player campaign, and complete lack of variety, I couldn’t to find one thing to like about Halo. Until Russell enlightened me.

Even with games I don’t like, I can almost always respect others preferences. I wasn’t a huge fan of the new Zelda, but I could see how others would like it. I don’t like most sports games, but they feel pretty realistic. And *gasp* I've only like one Mario game since the Super Nintedo, but I can still appreciate their crazy ass levels. But for the life of me, I just couldn’t understand the Halo rage.

Why, on a console with so many excellent first person shooters, does anyone play Halo? Having played a variety myself, I have come to 2 possible conclusions:

1. Halo fans have never played another 360 game.
2. Halo fans are idiots.

That’s it, those are the only 2 options. If you like Halo, try another game. If you still like it, you’re an idiot.

Not only is the game not fun, but its players are a whole new breed of nerd. Pop in Halo, die about twice, and you’re barraged with a torrent of lame ass insults from some fat little kid that sees less sunlight then your average WoW player. There’s nothing like some little squeaky voiced dork screaming this kind shit into his headset:

“Oh my God, how do suck so much?”
“I totally pwned you noob!”
“Why do I always have to play with noobs?!”
“But Mom! I’ll do it in a miinnuuute”

Here’s a tip to you perma-virgins: Don’t talk shit if your voice sounds like preteen Mickey Mouse. Hey, great, you’re a level 35 loser and you’ve spent hundreds of hours playing a game with zero originality. Go brag about it to your friends… oh wait, you don’t have any. Do the world a favor and don’t have children. That probably won’t be a problem, because somehow I'm guessing you're not so smooth with the ladies.

To those of you fortunate enough to have played some of the 360’s real titles, you may have noticed an interesting Xbox Live phenomenon. Try playing CoD4, Rainbow Six, Gears of War, or any respectable game really. Listen carefully. Do you hear a bunch of whiny little bitches? No. Why? Because all those greasy little losers are busy playing halo.

Thanks Bungie,

- Mike

That is 2 Ls